Illustration: Abbey Lossing
Inthis angry, anxious, and polarized time, it’s easy to lash out, whether on social media or at people in your real life. And we often end up wishing we didn’t: One survey found that a majority of social media users had posted something they regretted.
So buy yourself time — not just to calm down (though that is helpful!) but to formulate a response that achieves your goals with the least collateral damage.
How to Deal With Posting Something You Regret
It’s not as simple as just hitting delete
forge.medium.com
Repeat these sentences every time you’re angry: “Let me process that. I’ll get back to you.” Remove yourself from the situation, whether for just a minute or (if necessary) for longer. Then, proceed to “process” and formulate a response with this simple, three-question framework:
Will I care about this in a year?
This dials down the temperature, because very few things turn out to matter in the long run. In 12 months, you will not remember the person who yelled at you for parking in the wrong spot, the hot email from a colleague claiming your report was riddled with grammatical errors (but which, humorously, used the wrong form of its/it’s), or that your neighbors brought the kids back an hour later than they said they would. You will definitely not remember a sarcastic social media comment. If you are not convinced of this truth, try to remember what you were in a snit about on today’s date a year ago. Drawing a blank? That’s the point.
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http://medpac.gov/mkb/nca/BYU-v-Ala-liv-hd-tvc1.html
http://medpac.gov/mkb/nca/BYU-v-Ala-liv-hd-tvc2.html
http://medpac.gov/mkb/nca/BYU-v-Ala-liv-hd-tvc3.html
http://medpac.gov/mkb/nca/BYU-v-Ala-liv-hd-tvc4.html
http://medpac.gov/mkb/nca/BYU-v-Ala-liv-hd-tvc5.html
http://medpac.gov/mkb/nca/BYU-v-Ala-liv-hd-tvc6.html
http://medpac.gov/mkb/nca/BYU-v-Ala-liv-hd-tvc7.html
http://medpac.gov/mkb/nca/Rice-v-Tex-liv-on-tv1.html
http://medpac.gov/mkb/nca/Rice-v-Tex-liv-on-tv2.html
http://medpac.gov/mkb/nca/Rice-v-Tex-liv-on-tv3.html
http://medpac.gov/mkb/nca/Rice-v-Tex-liv-on-tv4.html
http://medpac.gov/mkb/nca/Rice-v-Tex-liv-on-tv5.html
http://medpac.gov/mkb/nca/Rice-v-Tex-liv-on-tv6.html
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https://sensinglab.engr.uga.edu/amanda/nca/BYU-v-Ala-liv-hd-tvc2.html
https://sensinglab.engr.uga.edu/amanda/nca/BYU-v-Ala-liv-hd-tvc3.html
https://sensinglab.engr.uga.edu/amanda/nca/BYU-v-Ala-liv-hd-tvc4.html
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https://sensinglab.engr.uga.edu/amanda/nca/Rice-v-Tex-liv-on-tv1.html
https://sensinglab.engr.uga.edu/amanda/nca/Rice-v-Tex-liv-on-tv2.html
https://sensinglab.engr.uga.edu/amanda/nca/Rice-v-Tex-liv-on-tv3.html
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Now, use the time you’ve bought to bring yourself, mentally, to a place of abundance. Perhaps the reason this interaction won’t matter in the long run is because your life is pretty good. You’re financially secure enough to shrug off an annoying fine; you just got promoted, so one client’s complaints won’t dominate your company’s view of you. Or perhaps you can remind yourself that in addition to the person who irked you, you have loving friends and family you can turn to for support. This place of confidence is a great position from which to ask the second question.
Can I affirm the relationship?
You have no obligation to comfort trolls. But real people in your real life are different. They are usually redeemable, and even the cantankerous ones aren’t going anywhere. You will need to deal with them again.
See if you can find anything legitimate in the original exchange. If so, thank the person for bringing it to your attention. It costs you nothing to acknowledge this, and will often disarm the entire situation. You can also respond in a way that highlights what you like about the person, even if you disagree. “Uncle Bob, I love that you are so passionate about politics.” “John, I admire that you always want to make our community a better place.”
Even in virtual exchanges, a little affirmation goes a long way. People sometimes forget that most comments and content are posted by real people with real feelings. When I get angry emails about something I’ve written, I’ll usually respond and thank the person for taking the time to read my work and write to me about it. More than half the time the person writes back in a far more friendly way, usually mentioning how astonished he or she was to get a response!
How can I seek a resolution?
Life is too short to stay angry. When you get back to the person as promised, try to focus on how you can move forward. In many cases, there’s no need to do anything. Just acknowledge that you will agree to disagree. If more is needed, try asking the other person for their ideas. In her book Ask for More, negotiation expert Alexandra Carter suggests phrases beginning with the words “Tell me.” Think “Tell me your perspective on what just happened” or “Tell me more about why you think that.” As Carter notes, sometimes the problem isn’t what you think it is. You can find out what the other person actually cares about, rather than making assumptions. “No question unlocks trust, creativity, understanding, and mind-blowing solutions like ‘tell me.’”
If you want something to change, you can also just ask directly or state what you intend to do: “I would appreciate it if you would give me a chance to fix these issues before you send them to our manager. I know we both want to do a great job and we want to be respectful of everyone’s time.” Or, “In the future, I’ll confirm the plan on the same day so there’s no confusion.” Blame doesn’t have to come into it; it seldom improves the situation.
Conflict is an opportunity. Any time you can get to the other side of a disagreement without collateral damage, the relationship will be stronger.
WRITTEN BY
Laura Vanderkam
Laura Vanderkam is the author of several time management books including Off the Clock and 168 Hours. She blogs at LauraVanderkam.com.
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